reflecting on the last six months...marriage style

We have been married a little over 6 months now!  In some ways that time has flown by, and in others it feels like we have been married longer than that.  I wanted to reflect a bit on what I have learned these past 6 months of being married.  They have been the happiest 6 months of my life, no doubt, but not the easiest.  And that is OK.  I struggle to post this, because I don't necessarily want to be so transparent, but I have had found courage knowing that maybe others will understand this.  I obviously have thousands of lessons still to learn, but this is what I've got so far.

Looking back on our premarital class, we spent a long time talking about our expectations for each other and how dangerous those can be when they are left unfulfilled and not talked about ahead of time.  And I think we both did a pretty good job of laying out our expectations and limiting the disappointments that can come with those.  My biggest surprise so far in marriage has not been the expectations that Aaron and I have for each other, but the expectations that I put on myself. 

I guess when I dreamed of being married, I thought I would be this cute, little housewife (with a full-time job).  That I would get all of the cleaning, cooking, exercising, teaching, family-time, church, and social-life done with no problem...because let's face it, I wanted to be the best wife I could possibly be.  And do I look cute when Aaron gets home?  Nope - not after a day full of 3rd graders! I think I was hit with a huge reality check around Christmas when I realized that I let our house get messy, shopping was done at the last minute, and I hadn't had the time to do all of the cooking and entertaining that I wanted to, I didn't look cute all the time, and our life just didn't look like I expected it to.  I didn't want to disappoint myself, and I really didn't want to disappoint Aaron, but it was hard to juggle everything I thought I could be, along with teaching.  But for some reason, being a good wife to me meant having a home-cooked, healthy meal on the table in my perfectly clean home every night and that was not my reality.

One night, I just fell apart, exhausted and disappointed in myself and how much of a failure I was.  If I couldn't handle it all now, how would I ever be able to be a mother and add kids into the mix?  Where was all of this energy supposed to come from?  Let me tell you how blessed I am to have my husband, who God designed so perfectly for me.  I found out Aaron and I didn't share the same expectations for me.  He didn't think I would take everything on when we both work.  He is my perfect balance for my type-A, have to worry about everything personality.  And he doesn't compare me to other wives, which I struggle with myself.  In fact, if you asked him about the last 6 months, he would honestly not have even noticed a problem (minus my fall apart episode).  He honestly thinks I am the best wife ever and tells me so daily.  And I believe that he thinks that.

And God tells me the same thing.  His Word says that "He created my inmost being; knitted me together in my mother's womb."  He knows my weaknesses and strengths - he knows me inside and out.  Lord, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful.  I know that full well." The Lord created me with my faults, and with my strengths.  I think C.S. Lewis' mentor, George MacDonald, sums it up best:

"I would rather be what God chose to make me than the most glorious creature that I could think of; for to have been thought about, born in God's thought, and then made by God, is the dearest, grandest, and most precious thing in all thinking."

With the freedom that summer brings, I am doing my best to be the wife I thought I would be when I got married. I will go back to normal Becky come August.  And I will rest in contentment, knowing God and Aaron have approved of me unconditionally.